The Anna Wintour of Whoa! Magazine

I've decided to start posting my pickle advice column because it means a great dill to me:

Weekend Word Up! 2/27 (Did someone say 227? Maaaary...)

Spreadable Bacon


-“It’s like my sandwich just became a baconwich!” – Craig P

-“I would eat that up with a spoon.” – Steven K.

-“Bacconaise could be the best condiment ever invented! Sorry, ketchup.” – Jessica M.

-“Hell, man, who whipped up this miracle?” –Heidi B.

I’ve been feeling a bit of a void in my life recently and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was causing it. I originally tried to fill this void with spirituality and benevolence, but I’ve since eschewed all that in favour of bacon-flavoured mayonnaise!! Baconnaise is a tangy bacon-flavoured spread from the makers of Bacon Salt. (Yet another BACONdiment I had no idea existed.) I fully intend to pick up 5 jars of this succulent elixir the instant it hits the shelves, guzzle down 4 jars of it sans spoon and use the 5th jar to turn my devilled eggs downright diabolical!

http://www.baconnaise.com/

Movies:

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience


As a follow-up to their surprise 2007 hit, “Alvin & the Chipmunks”, everyone’s favourite singing chipmunk brothers are back! Alvin, Simon and Theodore return in their newest rock n’ roll adventure as performers in their first 3D concert. The CGI Animation in this sequel is so advanced that if it weren’t for the characters’ completely unrealistic eyebrows you might actually believe that they’re human! One complaint: the confusing plot offers no explanation as to why the brothers have changed their names to Nick, Joe, and Kevin. We assume it has something to do with the witness protection program.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li


It’s based on some video game I’ve never played. Call me when they release “Minesweeper: The Movie”. I would totally cast Jack Nicholson as this guy:


Nickelback

Nickelback will be playing the Air Canada Centre March 2nd at 7pm. Alternatively, you could listen to a rake being scraped against the pavement for three hours. They rank about the same in terms of entertainment value.

The Cheeto Girls!

Back in 2002, in the wake of her devastating breakup with Justin Timberlake, a clinically depressed Britney Spears battled a brutal addiction to crushed amphetamines mixed with white cheddar popcorn seasoning, sprinkled on top of vodka-soaked Cheeto Crunchits. One fateful night, following the Toronto premiere of her movie Crossroads, an inebriated Spears was coerced into having a three-way with Weird Al Yankovic and Chester Cheetah. Nine months later, Britney gave birth to triplet daughters. Neither Mr. Yankovic nor Mr. Cheetah would submit to a paternity test, and on the advice of her handlers Spears made the heartbreaking decision to put the girls up for adoption. They were never seen again.

Until now.

Mixing saucy dance moves with sassy lyrics (not to mention outfits that put the “attire” in satire), The Cheeto Girls have blossomed into pop parodists who are pa-ready to blow your minds! The girls will be performing a medley of their greatest hits in their first full-length (read: 10 minute) concert as they headline Bitch Salad at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre, March 3rd at 8:30pm. Don’t miss their soon-to-be-chart-topping hits like “Butter Face” and “(Domestic) Disturbia(nce)”! For a sneak peek of what’s in store, check out their hit song “Spermanizer” at www.dinidimakos.com!

Oscars!

The Oscars went down on Sunday. So did my chances of taking home 200 much-needed dollars in the office pool. Now I'll never be able to afford those insulin injections for my diabetic Pomeranian, Chauncy! (Kidding - I totally would have blown it all on jager shots and wigs). I placed a devastating thirty-sixth; that’ll teach me to submit a write-in ballot for George Clooney in Leatherheads. Such a lackluster performance in the pool undermines any authoritative insight or commentary I could make about the Oscar ceremony in the Weekend Word Up. (I’m so ashamed…what kind of idiot votes against Resul “Sir Mix-a-lot” Pookutty for sound mixing?) So instead of pretending I know anything about movies, I've opted to rearrange the proper names of people that attended the Oscars into anagrams to form a description of that person. Observe:

Brangelina = An ear bling.

Check out those green-apple flavoured “Jolie” Ranchers!

Vanessa Hudgens = Gave sadness, hun.

What a freakin’ loser. Her dress gave me sadness, hun. Her stupid face gave me sadness, hun. The fact that Zac Efron hasn’t dumped her ass yet REALLY gave me sadness, hun.

Steve Martin = Earns TV time
& Tina Fey = (Makes me feel all) Faintey

These two more than earned their right to be Oscar presenters – they were the best thing up at the podium all night! Plus Tina Fey makes me feel all faint-ey when I see her. My girl crush gets stronger by the day!

Zac Efron = (Had his) Face On.

(Oooops, I have an R and a Z left over…can I buy a vowel?)
Zac Efron had his prettiest red-carpet game face on with a 1-2-3-4-5 punch of lip gloss, self tanner, whitestrips, pomade & eyeliner. Screw Ellen Degeneres, Zac oughta be the new Cover Girl spokesperson!

Kate Winslet = Takes Win

Kate Winslet takes the Best Actress win!
Yeah, yeah, so what if I didn’t use up all of the letters in her name. She won an Oscar; it’s not like she, uh…Slew a Kitten.

Robert E. R. Pattinson = Part Boston Terrier

Pant, pant, pant, pant. Close your mouth, dog boy! He looks like his owner left him locked in a car for 3 hours on a sunny day. You’re a vampire, not a werewolf!

Glenn Close = Glen? Close…

I kid…Glenn Close wasn’t even at the Oscars. But she really needs to get more feminine facial features!

Shiloh Pitt = Pile O’ Shitt

Look at this hot mess! She takes fashion to a new Shi-LOW. Those shoes are tragic – and would you look at that unruly hair? Disastrous. Just disastrous.

Have a Great Weekend!

Heidi Brander, epitomizing articulative grace as per usual...

Believe it or not, I wasn't drunk when I did this interview. (I am, however, completely wasted in the picture.)

---

Island writer’s script comes to life tonight in Toronto
BY DAVE STEWART
The Guardian, Charlottetown
30 Jan 2009

Islander Heidi Brander dreams of being the next Lucy Maud Montgomery. She knows it’s a mighty lofty goal, but her attitude is to shoot for the stars. Brander, who lives in Toronto, is currently the marketing co-ordinator for YTV, Discovery Kids and...read more...

Tech Tags: The Guardian, Charlottetown newspaper Entertainment

Weekend Word Up! (Jan 23, 2009)

Sorry guys - I’ve totally been slacking on the Weekend Word Ups! I can only hope my absence has the effect Dennis Duffy describes in season one of 30 Rock:



“It’s like my cousin Teddy’s dog. Sometimes he just doesn’t want to lick my feet. So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days, and when he sees them, he goes bananas!”

So in this example, you are the dog, and the Weekend Word Up is my feet.

Paula Poundstone!



Let it be known that Paula Poundstone is pretty much the best person ever, for the following reasons:

1)While living in the U.K., her surname provided me with much-needed assistance when doing weight conversion.

(e.g. 14 pounds = one stone, therefore in Scotland I weigh 8 Paula Poundstones*.)

*Weighing myself on the carpet while leaning on a chair, after several bulimic episodes.

2)B*tch tells it like it is!



It’s like she’s saying what we’re all thinking.

Until Elayne Boosler herself plops a bench & a glass of water down in front of a Toronto brick wall, I can’t think of a ladycomic I’d rather see pass through (and pass judgment on) our fair city. She hits the stage at the Diesel Playhouse tonight; expect to hear plenty of jokes about the weather (“it’s frickin’ FREEZING! Am I right?”) and Lost. (“I am completely LOST by Lost! Is it just me?”)


The Killers



The Killers are playing the ACC Friday night. Somebody told me.

If you’re planning on going, do yourself a favour & bring along a box of cereal, then tell everyone you’re a cereal Killer!

You’ll have almost as much fun as I did when I attended The Roots concert in a Roots sweatshirt & matching hat (before my roommate uh…ditched me…)




Oscar nominations:



The Oscar nominations were announced yesterday and all of Hollywood is buzzing with speculation as to who will take home the award for best picture. While oddsmakers weigh in with their carefully formulated techniques of selecting a winner, I prefer to stick to my own brand of rock-paper-scissors tactics. Witness:

Best Picture Nominees:

Slumdog Millionaire

The Reader

Milk

Frost/Nixon

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button



Have you ever spilled milk on a book? It’s the same as spilling water on a book except it smells really bad when it dries. It’s pretty much the worst thing that can happen to a book! With that in mind, I predict Milk will beat The Reader. Subsequently, dogs drink milk sometimes and also eat buttons (when they’re curious) so Slumdog will beat both Milk & The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Now, dogs hate frost (who doesn’t?) so if Frost/Nixon were called just Frost I would probably choose it to take home best picture. BUT I read in the tabloids a couple of months ago that a millionaire dog bit Cynthia Nixon (Miranda on Sex & The City), so I’m going to go with Slumdog for the win. Booyah.

BRING ON THE OSCAR POOL, JOHN ROONEY!

Hungry 30s Sale:



Honest Ed’s is holding a three-day sale from Thursday through Saturday, during which prices will be slashed to 1930s levels. A loaf of white bread will cost a quarter, T-shirts will be 10 cents, framed oil paintings are 25 cents, and socks cost a dime. 15,000 to 20,000 shoppers are expected to flock to the store, presumably on one boot, in a blizzard, through three feet of snow, uphill both ways.

Ways to Beat the Winter Blahs!

NOW Magazine has just released a lengthy list of things to do during the winter months, entitled “100 Reasons Why Winter Doesn’t Suck.” This inspired me to come up with my own list of fun-filled activities to partake in when the weather outside is frightful:

1.Sleep



2.Fetal



3.Nap



Have a good weekend! Celebrate this historic week with some delicious Barack-oli!

The Top Three Zac Efron Moments of 2008!

I’m just too darn sleepy to blog about moments number 2 & number 3 so I've decided to give you the condensed version!

What? Too tired to blog about Zac? I must have mono (-grammed necklaces with his initials on them? Yes.)

3. This picture.



Because you know the person responsible for this was laughing hysterically in the background while it was taken. It reminds me of that camp scene in The Parent Trap when the stiff pickle British Lindsay Lohan meets her asshole American twin. Or when Rumer Willis poses next to a potato.

2. This vid-ya.



You can’t beat a good body-switching comedy, an assertion I want to be the epitaph on my tombstone. And have it inspire some sort of body-switching comedy.

1.Zac Efron at TIFF



2008 was a good year for Heidi Brander, gift-wise. Some of the best presents I received include zebra print pillow cases, Britney Spears tickets, a 3-disc DVD collection of Arnold Schwarzenegger comedies, a nephew (one that chubbed up my sister, which subsequently drew attention away from my own muffin top, which was in itself an AMAZING gift) and FOUR individual hour-long biographies of each Golden Girl!

BUT the most treasured jewel in my 2008 tiara has to be what Heather Burns bestowed upon me one fateful day during TIFF. Two tickets to Richard Linklater’s, Me and Orson Welles. Incidentally, the “ME” in that title stood for “Mister Eyeslikeswimmingpools” himself, Zac Efron.

Truth be told, Zac could star in a musical version of Alien vs. Valkyrie and I’d be glued to the screen; as long as the movie involves singing, dancing, and having bangs, I consider it money well spent. But general opinion/Rotten Tomatoes has determined that the movie is pretty brutal – a shock considering Richard Linklater is the man that brought us Bad News Bears. At any rate, the main draw for most was the Q&A afterwards.

(For those of us unfamiliar with acronyms, Q&A stands for Question & Answer.)Example:

Q: OMG OMG OMG Zac Efron, like WTF!!!

A: ….

Q: OMG OMG OMG Claire Danes, My So Called Life LOL!

A: That wasn’t a question.

Q: OMG I’m SO sorry, ROTFL!!!!

While this was going on I frantically racked my brain for a question, one that sounded at least intelligent enough to avert Zac’s attention away from the patch on his own arm that he'd neglected to self-tan. But after four years of film school (during which I took an ENTIRE COURSE on Orson Welles) I had nothing! Sadly, instead of asking Richard Linklater why his film didn’t touch upon Welles’ cameo in The Muppet Movie, I opted to hold my tongue.



Best movie ever. One of these days I know Zac & I will meet, truly *meet* likely in some sort of Misery-esque scenario. For now, I shall always covet poorly lit photos like this one:

Heidi's Official Oscar Predictions...

...for the only category that matters (Best Original Song)

Scream (High School Musical 3: Senior Year)



Can I Have This Dance? (High School Musical 3: Senior Year)



Now or Never (High School Musical 3: Senior Year)



(Vanessa already cinched her Best Supporting Actress Oscar nod with that chest thump @ 1:58)

Right Here, Right Now (High School Musical 3: Senior Year)



(With Best Set Design clearly going to the guy responsible for blowing open that treehouse roof at 1:53!)

And the eventual winner will be...

I Want it All (High School Musical 3: Senior Year)

The Top 5 Zac Efron Moments of 2008: Part One...

2008 certainly had its ups and downs for my beloved Zachary Sarah Conworthy Efron. While High School Musical 3’s $40 million opening weekend made him clutch his pearls with delight, the success of Twilight undoubtedly drove a stake through his plans (vampire pun) and the popularity of Robert Pattinson made Zac quite cross (vampire pun.) But worry not, Zac fans: I’m O-positive (vampire pun) that the April 17 release of 17 Again will ensure that Zac still has some Hollywood clot (vampire pun) and hasn’t yet been reduced to bit parts (vampire pun.)

While we wait and see what 2009 has in store for Zac, (besides the inevitable demise of "Zanessa" and subsequent tryst with international sensation Phoebe Price, resulting in the far more favourable coupling of "Zacutlet") I am counting down the first of my Top 5 Zac Efron moments of 2008!




5) All Grown Up

Do you remember that moment in your childhood when you were finally freed from the shackles of the kids’ table and granted entry to the multi-spooned grown-up table with its candlelit elegance and sophisticated repartee? And do you remember the NEXT time you had dinner you were SO excited for it, but then Jeffrey Katzenburg showed up at your house and stole your seat, relegating you BACK to the kids’ table?

Zac Efron was all too familiar with this analogy in 2008, when he was invited to sit courtside at a Laker game with Leonardo DiCaprio and - judging from the look on his face - very nearly peed his pants.



Luckily Zac managed to hold it in (who’s the big boy?) and the two cheerfully compared notes on how kissing Claire Danes is super yucky. But unfortunately for Zac the love-in was short lived, as Jeff Katzenburg came in to town 2 weeks later and stole his spot at the table. Zac, along with his trusty beard, was demoted to the bleachers, where he stood by attentively to fill a seat in case one of grown-ups decided not to stay for dessert.



He looks thrilled, doesn't he?

4) Baby Bolton!

When looking back at cinematic achievements in 2008, which particular moments do you believe will find a place in history alongside the Odessa steps sequence in Battleship Potemkin, or the shower scene in Psycho? For me, (and Oscar voters, I can only assume) it’s this moment (2:35) when Troy & Chad slide under a car in the junkyard and re-emerge as babies:



I could write an essay on the resonance this scene has within the film text as a whole, but I just don't have the time. Instead, here's a picture of Zac licking the cream cheese off a totally finaglable bagel:



That's for you, Suppa.

Part 2 will come when it is not 5pm on a Friday!!! Adios!