Weekend Word Up! 01/24/08

Hope your weekend’s a hoot!



The greatest art installation to hit Toronto since that giant deer that was made out of chocolate at Nuit Blanche!

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This weekend, acclaimed French fire art troupe Cie Carabosse will slowly set Nathan Phillips Square ablaze when “Nights of Fire” hits Nathan Phillips Square. Music will accompany the performance artists as they light 1,500 clay pots in the square. Married? The romantic ambience makes it a great date destination. Single? It’s a perfect place to meet those oh-so-sexy pyromaniacs!

http://www.toronto.ca/special_events/wintercity/garden.htm

Video games in concert!



Your favorite themes from classic video games like Super Mario Bros., Zelda, Final Fantasy, and World of Warcraft are getting a Beethoven-style symphonic makeover at Video Games Live on February 9. Live orchestras, choirs, and soloists will perform the theme music from these and other classic games while accompanied by special effects and synchronized lighting!

Tickets cost $79.50. A bit pricey, but you’ve probably got a lot of money saved anyway, since you’ve never had a girlfriend.

http://toronto.com/other_music_events/event/600293


Mid-Winter BBQ!

Don’t miss the mid-winter barbecue happening February 3nd from 2pm-6pm in Nathan Phillips Square.

Wait a second, what are they serving? COLD dogs?



Wakka-wakka!

http://toronto.com/Attractions/article/599158


‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

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There has been a very sad and unfortunate trend occurring as of late. No, I’m not talking about stock market trends or the re-emergence of stirrup pants! I am talking about recent epidemic of drug overdosagery that has occurred amongst my Tiger Beat crushes of the ‘90s. Last week marked the untimely passing of Brad Renfro, who appeared in 1994’s teen adventure “Tom and Huck” and whose face I consistently taped against my pillow while practicing my make-out techniques. On Tuesday Heath Ledger, who starred in 1999’s “10 Things I Hate About You”, as well as my delusional prom fantasies, died in New York City. I reacted to this news with equal parts devastation and fear; is anyone familiar with the saying, “everything happens in threes? I can only pray that the following people make it through the week:


Jonathan Taylor Thomas


DJ’s Boyfriend on Full House


Zack Morris


Jaleel White (when he played Stephan Urkelle, not Steve Urkel)


Devon Sawa


So “Glad” they’re back!


Children need heroes. An essential part of growing up is choosing a special someone to look up to, one person that you aspire to be. Little Johnny admires his father. Ellen Sue looks up to her teacher. As a child, I was lucky enough as a kid to have seven heroes. These heroes went by the names of BLAZE, LASER, THUNDER, SIREN, NITRO, TURBO and ICE!

Yes, I am talking about the American Gladiators. In case you need a refresher, The Gladiators were an elite group of highly trained combatants charged with the task of preventing contestants from collecting cash and prizes—and doing so with their lives (not to mention their L.A. Gear high tops.) I was skeptical when I heard that NBC was attempting to revive the American Gladiator franchise – how would the glory days of foam-tipped battle translate to a post-9/11 society? Luckily, NBC was wise to the fact that they shouldn’t mess with the tried-and-true Gladiator formula, and changed very little about the show. Why mess with perfect television? And of course, they were rewarded with a lion’s share of the ratings. The show is still AMAZING – which got me thinking. Might one deduce that higher ratings are directly proportional to the amount of people getting the crap beat out of them by foam instruments of destruction? If so…

This fall on SCREAM: Scary ghosts take on other scary ghosts atop narrow wobbly pedestals armed with oversized Q-Tips in: JOUST!

This fall on DISCOVERY KIDS: The African pygmy squirrel fires tennis balls at the ring-tailed lemur as the latter tries to fire a gun at a target over the squirrel’s head in: ASSAULT!

This fall on TREEHOUSE: Adorable toddlers crawl from Point A to Point B while dodging other crawling adorable toddlers armed with Nerf-coated weapons in: GAUNTLET!

That's all! Have a great weekend entertaining guests!

My Favourite Zac Efron Moments of 2007

I'm not a blogger. The only reason I occasionally post the editions of "Weekend Word Up" that I've written for work is because if someone googles "Heidi Brander" I would like there to be at least one page that doesn't link to a Danish handball player. I prefer to read posts by my more talented bloggers friends like Andrew Johnston, Michael Yerxa, or Dean McArthur. However, after being bombarded by blogosphere retrospectives wrapping up everything 2007, from Best Movie Moments to Best Viral Videos, I was inspired to pen my own retrospective musings. May I present to you...


MY FAVOURITE ZAC EFRON MOMENTS OF 2007



April 7, 2007: ZAC EFRON GETS PUNK'D
(At exactly 1:35)



There are many people with whom I've discussed The Obsession that have stopped me mid-gush to insist that Zac Efron is gay. Upon dropping this bombshell they expect me to be heartbroken and devastated. To these people I say:

NEWS FLASH: I am probably never going to meet Zac Efron, let alone have sex with him.

It’s like those people who tell you that in real life the pyramids supposedly aren’t that impressive. Well, I can say fairly confidently that I am never going to visit the pyramids. That being said, I am still allowed to appreciate pictures of the pyramids and marvel over how chiseled they are.

December, 2007: WIG HEAD



No, I'm not talking about Ash Cam's nickname in first-year university...I'm talking about this picture of Zac, taken on the set of his new movie "Seventeen". "Seventeen" is a sure-to-be-side-splitting romp about an adult male (Matthew Perry) who wakes up one day in the body of his 17-year old self (played by Zac). I'm a firm believer that nothing beats a good body-switching comedy, (see "Fag Hag: The Musical" which I'm currently penning) so I'm really looking forward to this one!

April 24, 2007: PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S 50 MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ISSUE



This was THE moment that innocent fandom turned full-blown Obsession for Heidi Brander. It was also the moment that the phrase "Eyes like swimming pools" was coined. Look at those irises! I just want to strap on a set of water wings and cannonball into them!

Summer, 2007: THE WINK
(Tie: High School Musical 2 and Hairspray)

Has there been a more talked-about wink than Zac Efron's? His Hairspray character might as well have been named Wink Larkin for the amount of gasps he elicits when those lashes hit that cheek. Particularly worthy of note are the following winks from Hairspray and High School Musical 2, respectively. As an added bonus, I've included a video of singer, actress and septumal deviant Ashley Tisdale's personal analysis of Efron's wink.







October 28, 2007: THE PONYTAIL



Ponytail? More like STALLION tail. I totally love this look on Zac; unfortunately it adds to the stockpile of reasons why assuming that Zac Efron is a heterosexual would be akin to betting money on a horse named Tripsy McStumble.


August 7, 2007: ROLLING STONE COVER



On August 7 I was walking past a newsstand on Bloor and Bathurst when I dropped something. My JAW! Everything about this photo spread is perfect: the glow of his orange skin against the simple white backdrop; his hand lifting the t-shirt to reveal chiseled abs while leaving just enough to the imagination (a trick I'm sure he learned from demure girlfriend Blahnessa.) Gays quivered. Tween girls swooned. Tween gays spontaneously combusted.

Weekend Word Up! 09/13

Guys, it's time we called a "house meeting".

Does your housemate start his sentences with, "It'd be REALLY great if you could just go ahead and..."? Have you ever arrived home to be greeted by several "friendly" post-it reminders of what ISN'T yours in the fridge? Revel in the knowledge that yours is not the only crazy roommate in the world at: www.passiveaggressivenotes.com!

Goodlife, and Good Luck.

This past Friday, Goodlife Fitness opened the doors of its newest branch in Liberty Village. As an enthusiastic new member, I thought I'd take you though the inaugural week of my new fitness regime:

Friday, September 21: Opening Day! Come to work armed with fortitude and motivation. Have forgotten sneakers. Vow to make up for it tomorrow.

Saturday, September 22: Hungover. Vow to make up for it tomorrow.

Sunday, September 23: See Saturday.

Monday, September 24: Rejoice! Have come to work armed with fortitude, motivation, and appropriate gym attire! Whoops, have forgotten lock. Almost abort mission before realizing that credit card is maxed out and it is unlikely anyone wishes to steal purse full of gum wrappers, receipts, and old bank statements.

Glance around change room. Experience shock at the evidence of a strict dress code. Feel uneasy surrounded by gym-goers adorned in the flattering sheen of black Nike sports bra-tops and stretchy cropped pants. Regret own wardrobe selection of Diadora soccer shorts and No Fear t-shirt from 1997.

Find treadmill. Minutes 1-10 of 30 minute workout spent flipping through channels on television. Bliss! A repeat episode of The Hills Aftershow! Glance over at perfectly coiffed, tan/toned immaculately dressed blonde beside me. Secretly nickname her "Lulu" for obvious reasons. Spot my own red faced/frizzy-haired refelction in the mirror. Am filled with self-loathing. Sneak a peek at Lulu's running speed: 6.0 at a 2.0 incline. Triumphantly speed up own treadmill to 6.5 at a 3.0 incline. Die.

Dismount treadmill. Head onward and upward to muscle firming/toning! Carefully observe circuit-training section of gym. Immediately coin new term:
Perspirritation: The annoyance experienced when sweaty people neglect to wipe their gross sweat residue off the machines. Opt instead to head back into ladies change room to re-coiff frizzy ponytail. Will resume intense fat-melting workout post-coiff. Smoothen ponytail. Conclude that there are no good songs left on iPod. Will purchase new music and make up for lost time tomorrow. Change. Exit gym.

Tuesday, September 25: Am sore. Deserve break.*
*Break = M&Ms for lunch, fajitas & beer for dinner. Vow to make up for it tomorrow.

Week #1 Results: +1lb. They say muscle weighs more than fat!

Happy Halloween!

According to www.torontoist.com, a rabid bat has been terrorizing Toronto. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to grab my plushy bear and hide under my bed forever.

Weekend Word Up! 08/23

How will you spend your weekend?

www.whiteninjacomics.com

The Ex

Since August 17 the city has been abuzz with people telling everyone within earshot that they should visit the ex. If you happened to misinterpret this piece of advice, and spent last weekend trying to work though issues like his inability to communicate, and her constant nagging, fear not: The Canadian National Exhibition continues this weekend. You’ve still got plenty of time to bask in the effervescent glow of carnies, cotton candy, and the petting of livestock. To see what’s on this weekend, check out www.theex.com

Fake Prom

So you skipped your prom the first time around? You went, but it didn’t live up to your expectations? Your date drove you there in a tractor and lost your corsage, then replaced it with five dandelions and a rubber band? Whether you got it right the first time or you’d like a do-over, dust off your dancing shoes for Fake Prom 2007! Fake students everywhere are buzzing with excitement over the annual event, being held this Saturday at the beautiful and historic Palais Royale. The second most important night of your life gets underway at 9:00pm – check out http://fakeprom.com/ for more info!

Casting Call

“Did you know that the human head weighs eight pounds?”

It’s finally happened: Your eleven year-old child has watched so much Discovery Kids that he or she has turned into a fact-spewing brainiac. This Friday you can exploit your kid’s intelligence by signing them up for Are You Smarter than a Canadian Fifth Grader? Registration begins at 8:00am at the Fairmont Royal York, 100 Front Street West. Download the application form here: http://www.canada.com/globaltv/globalshows/canadian5thgrader/index.html#

Buskerfest

Another can’t-miss event this weekend is Buskerfest, being held this Saturday at St. Lawrence Market. Buskerfest is not only Ontario’s largest street performers’ festival, but also holds the title of Ontario’s largest festival of slow moving pedestrians who walk right in front of you when you’re in a hurry. The festival boasts more than 40 world-class performers from around the globe. Check out who’ll be performing at http://www.torontobuskerfest.com/

Lilohontas



Last weekend I experienced the Us Weekly equivalent of finding the Virgin Mary in my grilled cheese sandwich. While perusing the racks at Value Village, I stumbled upon the exquisite shirt in the picture to the right. At first glance it looks innocent enough: Just your average lady producing a rainbow with her palms. Upon closer inspection, however, it becomes clear that the lady in question is Lindsay Lohan herself. A modern day miracle? All I know is that the lady who discovered the grilled cheese raked in $28,000 for it on ebay; I’m willing to part with this rare find for a considerably lower ten grand.


Bye for now! Hope your weekend sizzles!