Weekend Word Up!




Olympics Edition!

There’s something in the air in Beijing, China, and I’m not talking about chlorofluorocarbons! It’s a thick, smoggy blanket of excitement, because the 29th Olympiad is in full swing! I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve missed nary a second of Olympic action since the opening minutes of the Opening Ceremonies, when a cherub-faced cutie-pie lip-synched a beautiful Chinese ballad to the vocal track of this hideous monstrosity:



Yang Peiyi - Quasimodo, eat your heart out



Lin Miaoke – Real voice presumably sounds like Gilbert Godfried

Sorry, I really should have thrown out a warning before posting that picture of the first child. Her glaring imperfections make me sick to my stomach - from now on, I promise she will be heard and not seen!

Anyway, Olympic glory is not achieved through good looks (if it was, Canada would be topping the medal count right now based on Adam Van Koeverden alone!) No, Olympic glory can be achieved one of two ways:

1) Having the mental and physical strength to outperform your opponents whilst testing the limits of man’s physical potential

2) Not sucking as much as everyone else.

The Olympics remind me a lot of this thing called “minute math” we had in grade three. Normally I would totally own the multiplication tables, but when Ms. Taylor would only give us one minute to do like, TEN problems I would always have a pretty severe nervous breakdown and suddenly in my head 6 x 8 was 56 and 4 x 9 was 32! That’s when I would start erasing so hard that I’d rip a hole in my looseleaf, and then before I knew it, it was “pencils down!” Then I’d crumble my quiz into a ball, whip it at some other kids’s head, and storm out of the room, grumbling “We get calculators next year anyway.” Just like the Olympics!

So yeah. What I’m getting at is, people choke. Case in point: The U.S. women’s gymastics team. Whenever I’m watching gymnastics on TV I always really want to see the athletes completely wipe out. I’m not a monster; I don’t want anyone to get really injured or anything, but as a spectator I would much rather see someone flip through the air, land squarely on their butt and be sent spinning helplessly across the floor than watch them stick the landing. It’s like jumping off the swings when you were a kid; the kid who landed on his face in the sandbox and got dirt stuck up his nose was a hero; the kid who leapt off with his toes pointed and stuck the landing was a bit of an a**hole.

Anyway, I got my wish on Tuesday night watching the women’s team gymnastics competition. The Chinese team was ahead by one point, but if the U.S. could pull off their routines without a glitch, Olympic glory would be theirs!



This l’il lady was up first, and you just know I was begging for a face plant worthy of the $10 000 grand prize on America’s Home Videos. And she didn’t disappoint! She mounted the balance beam and immediately fell off, flailing her arms and legs in that really embarrassing way that people do when they slip on a big patch of ice. It was amazing! She followed that up on the floor exercise when she did a bunch of crazy flippy twirls (technical term) and landed flat on her back! OUT OF BOUNDS! Spectacular!

Needless to say, I am OBSESSED with this girl. How crafty! Now she is way more famous for belly flopping than she ever would’ve been had she performed her routine perfectly. It’s the gymnastics equivalent of one member of a synchronized diving team cannonballing into the pool. Now this girl has a silver medal (better than the shameful bronze) and she’ll likely be paid millions of dollars to endorse air bags and crash helmets.



Then there’s Michael Phelps. He’s won 6 gold medals in Beijing so far, twelve gold medals in total. I wonder how difficult it is for him to continue to feign interest every time he’s at the podium. After his twelfth gold medal, there is NO way he can still be like, “Wow, a gold medal. I am truly humbled by this honour.” It’s probably like Christmas morning was for me after High School Musical came out. Everyone knew I was obsessed with it, so I just kept opening box after box of High School Musical-themed gifts. Do you know how much freakin’ merchandise they made for that movie? When I opened the first one, I was like, “WOW! Thank you SO much! You really shouldn’t have.” But by the time I opened my 17th Zac Efron keychain I was totally faking it.

Things to do that aren’t the Olympics:

Radiohead



Aug 15 @ Molson Amphitheatre
My sister is selling a ticket (just one) if anyone is interested! Keeping with tradition of Radiohead’s last album, you can choose how much you decide to pay for the ticket! Plus $90 in shipping fees.


Maroon 5 & Counting Crows



Aug 19 @ Molson Amphitheatre

I’m only going if this girl shows up:



Bonnie Raitt

Aug 19 to Aug 20 @ Casino Rama
Looking for the “Raitt” hair colouring advice? Head down to Casino Rama! If you’re a redhead like me, it’s worth the price of admission just to see how Bonnie pulls off that sexy white poof!

Disney Music Block Party



August 15 - 17 @ Downsview Park

Raven Symone hosts the Disney Music Block Party, featuring performances by family-friendly musicians, such as Choo Choo Soul, Ralph's World, and Imagination Movers. That sounds so – what’s the word? Oh yeah! Raven.

Movies:

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2



Is the only movie that matters.

Have an ooh-la-la weekend!