Weekend Word Up! 2/27/08

Move over, Hannah Montana, there’s a new girl in town!

New movies opening this weekend!

Semi-Pro:

Every review of “Semi-Pro” I’ve read says the same thing: Will Ferrell makes the same movie over and over again. This may be true, but it will probably make enough money in one weekend to buy and sell me seventeen million times over so I shan’t criticize.

The Other Boleyn Girl:

Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansen play sisters and rivals for the heart of King Henry VIII—don’t tell me how it ends!

Eric Banana is a good casting choice for Henry VIII, but Natalie and Scarlett playing sisters? They look nothing alike! How ‘bout “Mary Kate and Ashley: The other B’olsen Girl!”

College Road Trip:

Ahhhh, Martin Lawrence and Raven Symoné; have any onscreen pair shined so brightly since Tracy and Hepburn?

Whoops, forgot that sarcasm doesn’t translate over email. All I can say about Raven Symoné’s career is that I’ve been hearing rumblings of a preteen crusade to inject “That’s So Raven” into schoolyard vocabulary as a descriptive phrase for anything that revolts, disgusts, or activates your gag reflex.

Example:

Two children walking on the sidewalk spot roadkill* in the street.

Child #1: “Ewwwwwwwww!”

Child #2: “That’s SO Raven!”

*Not as funny if the roadkill is an actual raven.

Special corres-pun-dent Heidi Brander brings you this week’s headlines…in puns!

Rapper 50 Cent has announced plans to release his first signature fragrance. The fragrance will be called 50 Scent.


An historic section of downtown Toronto was destroyed recently as an immense fire gutted several buildings just east of Bathurst on Queen Street. When asked to comment, firefighters expressed relief that the blaze didn’t originate in Greektown because, quote, “it’s really hard to put out a Greece fire.”



Divorce proceedings between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have come to a standstill after the pair were unable to agree on who receives custody of Ollie, the couple’s West Highland Terrier. Lawyers for both parties were noticeably irritated by the petty argument.


According to a recent poll in celebrity gossip mag Us Weekly, 67% of males aged 18-35are fans of Angelina Jolie, 62% of women aged 49-65 are fans of Tom Cruise, and 98% of dyslexic gamblers are fans of Jack Black.


Relations between the Chinese and the Taiwanese governments are at an all-time low. One explanation for this could be that the delegates from both countries have Taipei personalities.




Vantage Point was the number one movie in America last week, while American Idol was the number one TV show. A quick recap of both: The US president was the victim of assassin, while four amateur singers were victims of a sassin’.

“Word” on the Street!

It’s a new Weekend Word Up feature! We ask random people on the street what plans they have for the upcoming weekend! Let’s see what they’re up to!

Excuse me, miss? What are you doing this weekend?

“That’s none of your damn business.”

Oh, I’m…sorry. Um, sir? What are you doing this weekend?


“Whatever you want me to do, baby.”

Ewwww. Hey, there, disgruntled Starbucks employee, what are you doing this weekend?

“Getting up at 5-freaking-30 am Saturday AND, because that a@*hole Kevin schedules me to open every weekend even though I always mark it off on the schedule. But I REALLY wanted this weekend off because Friday night is Katie’s birthday. Who is going to be at Starbucks at 5:30 on a Saturday morning anyway? Why do I have to be there so early? Maybe Erica will switch with me.”

Um, okay. Oh, hi there, what are you doing this weekend?

“Eat. Sleep. Play. Rest. Put ball in mouth. Drop ball. Chase ball. Rest. Eat snow. Sleep. Roll in snow. Walk. Rest.”

Sigh. Maybe Leigh was right…maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

Have a great weekend!

Spice Girls Concert Review!

I’ve done some traveling in my day. I’ve been to the Eiffel tower, the Parthenon, Buckingham Palace, the Colliseum, even Anne of Green Gables’ house. And I can say with complete confidence that the Spice Girls concert on February 4th was the BEST thing I have EVER SEEN.

As with most events that alter the very nature of my being, I kept a log with me the entire night (aptly named my Inner Mono-log) so that I might share this experience with Weekend Word Up Readers:

5:30pm:
Squeeze into poorly engineered Union Jack dress in 23 Fraser restroom post-work. Feign invisibility as female co-workers enter and exit restroom. Perch on top of toilet, waiting for ideal moment to scamper out of stall and avoid damaging my reputation as mature adult professional by revealing secret double life as hysterical Geri Halliwell fan.

6:00pm:
Receive questionable looks from fellow patrons of King streetcar. Arrive to meet friends at pre-arranged meeting area. Furrow brow at realization that friends are not dressed as Posh, Scary, and Baby as discussed the evening prior. Heap praise on the one friend who has kept his promise to dress as Sporty. Later learn that this was not his intention, and that his ensemble of sweatpants, running shoes, and a hoodie was what he’d been wearing all day long anyway.

7:30pm:
Enter concert venue.

8:00pm:
Concert, scheduled to start at 7:30, has yet to begin. Participate half-assedly in “The Wave”

8:30pm:
Place bets on which Spice Girl is throwing a tantrum backstage. Posh wins unanimously.

9:00pm:
Cue opening strains of “Spice Up Your Life”.

9:00pm – 11:00pm:
[SCENE MISSING: This is where it gets hazy and I make the transformation from reasonably calm, collected woman into maniacal, crying, hair-ripping, side-clutching, squealing infant.]

9:15:
Marvel at the fact that everyone in the crowd of 20 000 has memorized all the hand motions to the song “Stop”.

9:30:
Alternate between uncontrollable shrieks of pure bliss, and sobs of despair at realization that I want to be a Spice Girl more than I want children, and my Spice Girl dream will never come true.

9:40:
Watch curiously as 300 gay men almost spontaneously combust as Posh struts down the runway to Madonna’s “Vogue”.

10:15:
Gasp as the last strains of “Viva Forever” trail off and Geri sinks slowly through a trapdoor in the stage, symbolizing her exit from the group in 1998. Cry uncontrollably at the poignancy.

10:30:
Conclude that one could eat soup out of Posh’s collarbones without difficulty.

10:45:
Laugh at the crowd’s apparent “shock” that the Spices have said their goodbyes and exited the stage without performing the song “Wannabe”, arguably their biggest hit.

10:50:
Laugh at the crowd’s apparent “relief” that the Spices have re-entered the stage to perform “Wannabe” as a post-costume change encore.

11:15:
Spill onto the street in a euphoric state. Walk directly in front of cars, trucks, and buses disregarding what consequences such actions may have. Am no longer afraid of dying, for at last I have LIVED.

12:00am:
Arrive home. Make mental note to circulate petitions for New Kids on the Block, S Club 7, Ace of Base, and Aqua reunion tours.