How to be an Eaton Centre Asshole



It’s that time of year again! The busiest shopping weekend of the year is in our midst, and no one is more excited about it than I am! Every year around this time, I like to peruse my favourite mall in this fantastic city to bask in the fact that my holiday shopping is complete—and to make others suffer for their tardiness. If you are one of the few who has time to kill this weekend, come join me and my fellow assholes at the Eaton Centre! Here’s everything you’ll need to know:

How to be an Eaton Centre Asshole:

1. Walk (slowly!) to the nearest escalator. Upon mounting the escalator, ensure your body is shifted to the traffic-heavy left side of the escalator as opposed to the designated “standing” area on the right. Wait.

*Helpful asshole hint: If anyone tries to get you to move by kicking the backs of your heels, take a step backwards and lean all of your body weight into them!

2. Remove “You Are Here” sticker from the Eaton Centre map. Replace the sticker where the middle of the food court is on the map. You asshole.

3. Rip the security tags off bottles of shampoo at Shoppers Drug Mart and stick them to people’s clothes. Those things set off alarms everywhere! Mind if we check your bag, ma’am?

4. Wait patiently in line at Chapters/Indigo. Once summoned to the front, pay for your copy of “The Time Traveller’s Wife” in pennies. Do you have a frequent reader card? You might! Make sure you check your purse thoroughly.

5. An aspiring dancer? This is the perfect opportunity to practice your grapevine! Neglect any regular human walking patters you may have picked up in your lifetime and grapevine your way across the mall in a zigzag pattern! You’ll be the toast of the Eaton Centre!

6. Time for snow angels! Gather up all of your closest friends for a winter’s romp … good parking spaces are the perfect spot for snow angel fun!

7. Look up. Choose the heaviest looking item on the tallest shelf in the store. Ask a salesperson if he/she would mind getting it for you. Watch carefully as they set up the ladder, climb up, and struggle to make their way down with it. Glance at it, then hand it back to them. Make sure you let them know that you’re just looking!

Weekend Word Up! 12/13

Weekend Word Up!

This one’s for all the Guitar Heroes out there…

Putting the “tea” in par-tea!

Feeling a little wild and crazy this weekend, my dajarlings? Head on down to Yonge and Dundas square on December 15th and take a pekoe at Toronto’s most outlandish tea party! The prices are a little steep, but it’s worth it! Highlights include the World’s largest tea bag, tea readings, and a sensory journey with a tea blendmaster! Rumoured celebrity guests include actress Tea Leoni, rappers Ice-Tea and Tea-Pain, and his royal highness the Earl of Grey. Just be careful you don’t get mugged!

Joel Plaskett

Pay your respects to the Horseshoe Tavern this weekend as the legendary concert venue turns 60 years young! To celebrate the ‘Shoe and its pivotal role in Canadian music, Halifax hero Joel Plaskett and his band the Emergency will be on hand from December 10-15 to play merry-time melodies from their catalogue of critically acclaimed albums. Good little east-coasters like myself will be chomping at the bit to see any (or all) of the five shows, with each night spotlighting a different Plaskett album. Tickets are scarce, so gallop (last horse pun, I promise) over to Queen & Spadina – it’s an Emergency!

OMG! I almost forgot!

According to Facebook reports, Katie C. and Amy M. are hosting “The ULTIMATE Xmas Party!!!” this weekend. So far 13 people have been invited.

Holiday Album Guide!
Nothing says “Merry Christmas!” like Maroon 5, Keith Richards, and Rick Springfield! Those are just a sampling of the artists who are expelling their holiday music into the already-crowded abyss of Christmas CDs on the market. ‘Tis the season, I suppose, but how do you separate the best from the rest? Lucky for you the Weekend Word Up Team is here to rank the top 5 Christmas albums of all time!

Christmas in the Stars: A Star Wars Christmas Album

Featuring a young Jon Bon Jovi as the singing voice of R2D2, the Star Wars Christmas album is a must-own for any holiday music aficionado. Your yuletide festivities will not be complete without classic songs like “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” and “What Can You Get a Wookie for Christmas? (When he already has a Comb.)”

A Cabbage Patch Christmas

As a child of the 80s I was lucky enough to be alive when children my age experienced the joy of receiving Cabbage Patch Kids on Christmas morning. I wasn’t lucky enough to actually receive a Cabbage Patch Kid on Christmas morning– instead, Dianne Brander opted to hand-sew my sister and I homemade pseudo-cabbage patch dolls that she claimed were “Limited Edition Cauliflower Kids”. Needless to say, I cried. A lot. Luckily, to soften the blow “Santa” gave us each a copy of this classic record. Just hearing the opening track “Christmas Day in the Cabbage Patch” reminds me to always make the best of a bad situation.

Jingle Cats – Meowy Christmas

This is as close to purr-fection as a Christmas album can jet. Paws for a minute and listen to cat-hartic classics like “Silent Night”, “Go Tell it on the Mountain”, and “Jingle Cats Medley”. By the final track, “We Three Kings of Orient Are” you’ll be feline mighty fine!

Rita McNeil – Once Upon A Christmas

Another staple of my household growing up, it truly wasn’t Christmas until we heard Rita’s golden vocals singing “Angels We Have Heard on High”. Traditionally, each track would be followed immediately by every ten-year old child’s favorite joke: “Hey, did you hear Rita MacNeil has flesh-eating disease? Ya, she only has 80 years to live.”

Heidi Brander - A Very Brander Christmas

With a voice oft compared to the coo of a dove or the strum of an angel’s harp, Heidi Brander’s upcoming Christmas album is certain to be an instant classic. Brander’s voice lends itself to a mixture of up-tempo holiday hits and smooth ballads perfect for lazy evenings spent cuddling by the fire.

Have a Great Weekend!

Remember to get all your Christmas shopping done…

Weekend Word Up! 11/08

Poor Danny Tanner…if only he had internet…

Is a wannabe Kimmy Gibbler terrorizing your household? RottenNeighbor.com is a new site which gives the irritated and sleep-deprived a place to vent their troubles. Post a comment about that jerkface upstairs who blares Nickeback or rage about the late night comings-and-goings of your inconsiderate condo-mate. All of your venting remains anonymous, and little red houses on Google maps pinpoint the culprits!

Big is Beautiful!

Ladies, do you set off a wave of Sasquatch sightings every time you stroll through the woods? When your boyfriend looks at you from the side, does he mention you look similar to an upper-case “L”? Can you water-ski with great ease, even without equipment? My “man-footed” sisters, I feel your pain. (I seriously do, the boots I’m wearing today are at least a size too small.) Veronica Ljubicic feels your pain too—she’s just launched Divna, an online store specializing in cute shoes sized 9-13. Head over to www.divna.ca for a huge selection of footwear for us big-boned gals.

Here’s a “dandy” little tidbit for ya…



I just received this very informative article from Nikki Chia:

http://www.reuters.com/article/scienceNews/idUSN0644353620071107

In a nutshell, this article details how apparently the fungus that causes dandruff can have sex on your head.


Thoughts:


1) My scalp is getting more action than I am. SAD.

2) What kind of pick up lines do these things use? “Hey handsome, you look like a fun-gi…”

3) How long does it take for your scalp fungus to organism?


Movie Review: Lars and the Real Girl



You may remember Ryan Gosling as the Oscar-nominated actor from Half Nelson. Or perhaps as the swoon-worthy heartthrob from The Notebook. I personally happen to remember Ryan Gosling as the second-place finisher in Gladstone Public School’s 1992 lip-synch contest. How do I know this? Because on that fateful day in 1992, my crowd-pleasing rendition of “Friend Like Me” from Aladdin beat out the future Oscar nominee’s rousing rendition of “I’m Too Sexy” by Sir-Mix-A-Lot for first place.


It was a well-deserved win on my part (sure, he had choreographed dance moves, but I had parachute pants and a VERY realistic genie lamp!) but Gosling remained bitter about his loss until the very end of sixth grade. In fact, I’m convinced it was the bitterness and rage over said loss from which he drew inspiration for his self-loathing Neo-Nazi character in his breakthrough role in The Believer. Since losing the coveted $20 Pizza Hut Gift Certificate to yours truly, Ryan traded in his dancing shoes and song mimicry for challenging dramatic roles, and it seems to have worked out well for him (though this year’s Oscar loss must have brought back painful memories of ‘92).


That being said, Lars and the Real Girl is Ryan’s latest movie, and it’s good—really good. Ryan plays a lovable introvert who falls in love with a life-size doll. When I saw the preview, I thought, “I liked this movie better when it was called Mannequin.” However, unlike Andrew McCarthy’s comedic romp, this film is sad, touching, and just might get Ryan another Oscar nomination—but he won’t win! And when the Oscar ceremony is on TV next year, you know I’ll be watching in my housecoat eating bon-bons, drinking blush wine while painting my toenails, laughing with glee at the “gracious loser” face that is becoming oh-so-familiar to me. Then I’ll think to myself, “Man, sucks to be that guy.”


NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!

Yesterday I was forwarded an email with this photo attached. While some may deem the photo too gruesome and inappropriate for a mass email—especially a mass “work” email—I felt it was necessary to present this to my colleagues because it’s an amazing example of the value of teamwork and collaboration.


This is a photo of three domestic canines working together to attack a vicious crocodile. The crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators—considered the "apex predator"—can still fall victim to the implemented “team work” strategy and cooperative mentality that is bred into the canines. The remarkable photograph, courtesy of Nature Magazine, shows the Alpha dog with a muzzle hold on the croc, preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the croc.





At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

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