Spreadable Bacon
-“It’s like my sandwich just became a baconwich!” – Craig P
-“I would eat that up with a spoon.” – Steven K.
-“Bacconaise could be the best condiment ever invented! Sorry, ketchup.” – Jessica M.
-“Hell, man, who whipped up this miracle?” –Heidi B.
I’ve been feeling a bit of a void in my life recently and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was causing it. I originally tried to fill this void with spirituality and benevolence, but I’ve since eschewed all that in favour of bacon-flavoured mayonnaise!! Baconnaise is a tangy bacon-flavoured spread from the makers of Bacon Salt. (Yet another BACONdiment I had no idea existed.) I fully intend to pick up 5 jars of this succulent elixir the instant it hits the shelves, guzzle down 4 jars of it sans spoon and use the 5th jar to turn my devilled eggs downright diabolical!
http://www.baconnaise.com/
Movies:
Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience
As a follow-up to their surprise 2007 hit, “Alvin & the Chipmunks”, everyone’s favourite singing chipmunk brothers are back! Alvin, Simon and Theodore return in their newest rock n’ roll adventure as performers in their first 3D concert. The CGI Animation in this sequel is so advanced that if it weren’t for the characters’ completely unrealistic eyebrows you might actually believe that they’re human! One complaint: the confusing plot offers no explanation as to why the brothers have changed their names to Nick, Joe, and Kevin. We assume it has something to do with the witness protection program.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
It’s based on some video game I’ve never played. Call me when they release “Minesweeper: The Movie”. I would totally cast Jack Nicholson as this guy:
Nickelback
Nickelback will be playing the Air Canada Centre March 2nd at 7pm. Alternatively, you could listen to a rake being scraped against the pavement for three hours. They rank about the same in terms of entertainment value.
The Cheeto Girls!
Back in 2002, in the wake of her devastating breakup with Justin Timberlake, a clinically depressed Britney Spears battled a brutal addiction to crushed amphetamines mixed with white cheddar popcorn seasoning, sprinkled on top of vodka-soaked Cheeto Crunchits. One fateful night, following the Toronto premiere of her movie Crossroads, an inebriated Spears was coerced into having a three-way with Weird Al Yankovic and Chester Cheetah. Nine months later, Britney gave birth to triplet daughters. Neither Mr. Yankovic nor Mr. Cheetah would submit to a paternity test, and on the advice of her handlers Spears made the heartbreaking decision to put the girls up for adoption. They were never seen again.
Until now.
Mixing saucy dance moves with sassy lyrics (not to mention outfits that put the “attire” in satire), The Cheeto Girls have blossomed into pop parodists who are pa-ready to blow your minds! The girls will be performing a medley of their greatest hits in their first full-length (read: 10 minute) concert as they headline Bitch Salad at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre, March 3rd at 8:30pm. Don’t miss their soon-to-be-chart-topping hits like “Butter Face” and “(Domestic) Disturbia(nce)”! For a sneak peek of what’s in store, check out their hit song “Spermanizer” at www.dinidimakos.com!
Oscars!
The Oscars went down on Sunday. So did my chances of taking home 200 much-needed dollars in the office pool. Now I'll never be able to afford those insulin injections for my diabetic Pomeranian, Chauncy! (Kidding - I totally would have blown it all on jager shots and wigs). I placed a devastating thirty-sixth; that’ll teach me to submit a write-in ballot for George Clooney in Leatherheads. Such a lackluster performance in the pool undermines any authoritative insight or commentary I could make about the Oscar ceremony in the Weekend Word Up. (I’m so ashamed…what kind of idiot votes against Resul “Sir Mix-a-lot” Pookutty for sound mixing?) So instead of pretending I know anything about movies, I've opted to rearrange the proper names of people that attended the Oscars into anagrams to form a description of that person. Observe:
Brangelina = An ear bling.
Check out those green-apple flavoured “Jolie” Ranchers!
Vanessa Hudgens = Gave sadness, hun.
What a freakin’ loser. Her dress gave me sadness, hun. Her stupid face gave me sadness, hun. The fact that Zac Efron hasn’t dumped her ass yet REALLY gave me sadness, hun.
Steve Martin = Earns TV time
& Tina Fey = (Makes me feel all) Faintey
These two more than earned their right to be Oscar presenters – they were the best thing up at the podium all night! Plus Tina Fey makes me feel all faint-ey when I see her. My girl crush gets stronger by the day!
Zac Efron = (Had his) Face On.
(Oooops, I have an R and a Z left over…can I buy a vowel?)
Zac Efron had his prettiest red-carpet game face on with a 1-2-3-4-5 punch of lip gloss, self tanner, whitestrips, pomade & eyeliner. Screw Ellen Degeneres, Zac oughta be the new Cover Girl spokesperson!
Kate Winslet = Takes Win
Kate Winslet takes the Best Actress win!
Yeah, yeah, so what if I didn’t use up all of the letters in her name. She won an Oscar; it’s not like she, uh…Slew a Kitten.
Robert E. R. Pattinson = Part Boston Terrier
Pant, pant, pant, pant. Close your mouth, dog boy! He looks like his owner left him locked in a car for 3 hours on a sunny day. You’re a vampire, not a werewolf!
Glenn Close = Glen? Close…
I kid…Glenn Close wasn’t even at the Oscars. But she really needs to get more feminine facial features!
Shiloh Pitt = Pile O’ Shitt
Look at this hot mess! She takes fashion to a new Shi-LOW. Those shoes are tragic – and would you look at that unruly hair? Disastrous. Just disastrous.
Have a Great Weekend!
