Weekend Word Up! (10/10)

Give Thanks!

Instead of saying GRACE before Thanksgiving dinner, why not say BRACE (yourself for these Thanksgiving zingers!)?

What key has legs and can't open doors?
A Tur-key!

What did the widowed mother turkey say to her naughty son?
“If your dad could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!”

Why was “Turkey: The Movie” rated PG-13?
Because it contained FOWL language!

Where do businessmen buy their corn?
The stalk market! (But not lately, with the downshift in the e-corn-omy!)

Rock the Vote!



On Tuesday, October 14th, shake off your leftover turkey sleepiness, get out to the polls and have your say in the most important election since The Next Star finale!

Now, I’m no political pundit (did someone say pun?) so I won’t go into any sort of diatribe over who I think you should vote for. What matters most is that you are educated about the choice you make (unlike the infamous Charlottetown municipal election of 2002 when I chose specifically NOT to vote for a candidate because she was wearing a pearl choker over a turtleneck on her campaign poster.)

I personally haven’t yet decided who I’m going to vote for in this election, but I will say that one candidate has done an excellent job of swaying fag hag voters (a highly influential demographic!) This unnamed silver fox made a much-ballyhooed appearance at “Big Primpin”, home of the best gay hip hop in Queen West! The only platform that guy needs is an elevated dance floor!

30 Rock



Season Two just came out on DVD. Buy it, watch it, love it, obsess about it, fantasize about surgically exchanging brains with Tina Fey. Believe me, Sarah Palin impersonations are just the tip of the Tina Fey iceberg!

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

Where did all of my friends go? I’ve been logging on to facebook lately only to discover that the people I once poked have been replaced by a parade of blemish-free glamour models back-lit on white backgrounds & photoshopped beyond recognition. The recent insurgence of glamour-shot-as-profile-pic is out of control, and it needs to end! Don’t know what I’m talking about? The proof is in the pudding:



What the hell?!? Our society is peppered with enough models and movie stars perfectly capable of making me ashamed about the way I look; it is not my roommate’s sister’s job to do the same. Zachary, I’ll never have the fierce angles that you do, there’s no need to rub it in my face. And Melanie, don’t even try to pretend you were born with that hair, I’ve seen you without serum and it ain’t pretty.



Even my mom has a glamour shot! This is a woman who needed instructions on how to TURN ON the computer, but clearly she doesn’t need instructions on how to put her best face forward! Too bad posing genes skip a generation.

Next week: Weekend Word Up takes on people who crop you completely out of their profile picture.



Ashley, I know I looked busted in that photo, but I exist, goddammit!


Movies opening this week:

The Secret Life of Beas



Body of Lies

Quarantine

RocknRolla

City of Ember


Bump Watch!

Are they or aren’t they? It’s time for another edition of Weekend Word Up’s Bump Watch!

Brittany



For weeks, Hollywood has been abuzz with rumours that Brittany is pregnant! Brit-Brit has been seen around town sporting a noticeable amount of baby bulge. Eleanor certainly sees it! Could Bralvin be expecting their very own chip off the old ‘munk?

Princess Chunk



Princess Chunk is keeping mum about a rumoured pregnancy, but we think her bump speaks for itself! Will there soon be an addition to the Chunk dynasty?

Meaghan Brander



Megs continues to fuel pregnancy rumours by unveiling a conspicuous bump! Is there something you’re not telling us, Meggo?

Have a great Weekend! Make some hand turkeys!

Diane Lane in Unfaithful

Much has been written about Calvin Klein's obsession, so I felt it was time that my own obsessions got their due. For the last 5 Mmmmmmmmonths my eyes have been opened to a plethora of wonderful things that I never knew existed:

Alt-rock band The Sheriff
Made-for-TV movie Shaggy Dog
Season one of Becker

...just to name a few. But none of these things compare to my ultimate obsession of late, the person who introduced me to all of these things and more (including voice brackets). That obesession is Alex "Faith" Brown.




Don't understand why? Do I have to spell it out for you?


A is for Amy Adams Hands



When life knocks you down and twists your body into the fetal position, Alex Brown’s Amy Adams hands are like chicken cutlet soup for the soul. Just one flutter of those wrists can bring shelter to the homeless, warmth to the cold, and Burger King to the romantically jilted.

L is for Leggings



With runway-worthy gams that stretch from here to next Tuesday, Alex Brown is the ideal spokestran for Lindsay Lohan Leggings. Rumer Willis has it that his legs are actually insured for one million dollars (roughly 304, 000, 000, 000 inches of bulge.)

EX is for Exquisite Lucite Heels



Did you know? Lucite and Alex Brown are synonyms, meaning they are different words that share similar meanings. It’s true! The dictionary defines both Lucite and Alex Brown as TRANS (…parent) and TRANS (…lucent).

B is for Bear Cartoons



Cartoon Bears are like Xanadu’s Kira to Alex Brown’s roller disco – meaning, they inspire him. Bears taught Alex Brown how to do everything from cook chicken cacciatore to apply lipstick with a strawberry. Garbage-picking, makeup-wearing bears can bemuse us, but Alex Brown knows that they also can be muses. Pretty heavy stuff. Bump bump.

R is for Runway



The name Alex Brown brings to mind the 1995 smash hit by Soul Asylum.
“Runway Tran never coming back,
Runway on a runway track.”
And boy, can he ever runway. Alex Brown’s signature runway move, the “haute couture/ high five/ dressage” brings Miss J, Tyrabot, and Jay Tranuel to their knees! (Luckily they always wear Lindsay Lohan Leggings to cushion their fall).


O is for Oprah



The Big “O” herself is privy to the amount of faith and inspiration Alex Brown brings with him everywhere he goes. Oprah even went so far as to reward him for his good work by inviting him to appear on her show:



W is for Wolf Pack



N is for Never Nude



Arrested Development’s Tobias is the most famous of the Never Nudes, but compared to the positively bashful Alex Brown, Tobias is downright risqué (risky?)
Self-consciousness over his chicken cutlets, earlobes, left eye, neck, and ankles causes him to cover his entire body with jortcessories! Sadly, dozens more are afflicted by this disease, including famed comedian Michael Lawrence.

Weekend Word Up!

Weekend Word Up is looking for new writers!







All valid excuses, but I'd like to present you with just a few of the benefits of writing for Weekend Word Up!


1)Fame

You’ll spend your days worshipped by masses of Weekend Word Up readers, and your nights canoodling with your legions of celebrity friends! Isn’t that right, TAYLOR HICKS?



2) Riches

No, not THOSE kinds of riches. We mean the kind of riches you get through the satisfaction of a job well done. Emotional riches, or some bullcrap.

3) A Wealth of Information

You’ll be first in line to give people judgmental looks when they suggest a kitten-drowning jamboree or the opening of an octogenarian swingers club for this week’s Weekend Word Up!

So what are you waiting for? Sign up today!!!

Bikini waxes for kids!



The Toronto Star reported that more and more 9-12 year olds are being pressured by their moms to get bikini waxes. I had no idea that Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears had family in Toronto! Call me crazy, but there is something about pouring hot wax onto an 11-year old and ripping out the hair at the root that just seems…what’s the word? FABULOUS!

To me, waxing is like learning French (ironic, since the French are a notoriously hairy people!) Start early, and soon the kid will be fluent in the language of hair removal! Remember, it’s called kindergarten, not lady garden!

Oh heel, no!



The company that operates Winners and Homesense is adding StyleSense to its roster. Designed for footwear fanatics, StyleSense is a department store specializing in shoes.



Ladies! Get ahold of yourselves!

The first two StyleSense stores will open next Thursday at Vaughn Mills & Oakville Place. The store will be roughly 15, 000 square feet (does that equal roughly 15,000 shoes?) I’m still holding out for the opening of an AdditionElle StyleSense. They don’t make shoes big enough to fit these Clydesdales!

TIFF 08 – Celebrity stalking edition!

Weekend Word up has got the skinny on the places you’re sure to spot the rich and famous during TIFF ’08!



Jennifer Hudson: On Church St, pinned helplessly under a 58-person crush of gay men singing “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going,”



Zac Efron: The Annex, handcuffed to my bed with two broken legs as I nurse him back to health Annie Wilkes–styles whilst forcing him to sign a contract for “High School Musical 4”.



Dakota Fanning: The Dakota Tavern, signing DVD copies of “Uptown Girls” between shots of Jack Daniels



Macaulay Culkin: Los Angeles, fuming over the fact that the publicity team for his new movie completely forgot about him when they departed for Toronto. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Have a great looo-oooong weekend!

Weekend Word Up!




Olympics Edition!

There’s something in the air in Beijing, China, and I’m not talking about chlorofluorocarbons! It’s a thick, smoggy blanket of excitement, because the 29th Olympiad is in full swing! I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve missed nary a second of Olympic action since the opening minutes of the Opening Ceremonies, when a cherub-faced cutie-pie lip-synched a beautiful Chinese ballad to the vocal track of this hideous monstrosity:



Yang Peiyi - Quasimodo, eat your heart out



Lin Miaoke – Real voice presumably sounds like Gilbert Godfried

Sorry, I really should have thrown out a warning before posting that picture of the first child. Her glaring imperfections make me sick to my stomach - from now on, I promise she will be heard and not seen!

Anyway, Olympic glory is not achieved through good looks (if it was, Canada would be topping the medal count right now based on Adam Van Koeverden alone!) No, Olympic glory can be achieved one of two ways:

1) Having the mental and physical strength to outperform your opponents whilst testing the limits of man’s physical potential

2) Not sucking as much as everyone else.

The Olympics remind me a lot of this thing called “minute math” we had in grade three. Normally I would totally own the multiplication tables, but when Ms. Taylor would only give us one minute to do like, TEN problems I would always have a pretty severe nervous breakdown and suddenly in my head 6 x 8 was 56 and 4 x 9 was 32! That’s when I would start erasing so hard that I’d rip a hole in my looseleaf, and then before I knew it, it was “pencils down!” Then I’d crumble my quiz into a ball, whip it at some other kids’s head, and storm out of the room, grumbling “We get calculators next year anyway.” Just like the Olympics!

So yeah. What I’m getting at is, people choke. Case in point: The U.S. women’s gymastics team. Whenever I’m watching gymnastics on TV I always really want to see the athletes completely wipe out. I’m not a monster; I don’t want anyone to get really injured or anything, but as a spectator I would much rather see someone flip through the air, land squarely on their butt and be sent spinning helplessly across the floor than watch them stick the landing. It’s like jumping off the swings when you were a kid; the kid who landed on his face in the sandbox and got dirt stuck up his nose was a hero; the kid who leapt off with his toes pointed and stuck the landing was a bit of an a**hole.

Anyway, I got my wish on Tuesday night watching the women’s team gymnastics competition. The Chinese team was ahead by one point, but if the U.S. could pull off their routines without a glitch, Olympic glory would be theirs!



This l’il lady was up first, and you just know I was begging for a face plant worthy of the $10 000 grand prize on America’s Home Videos. And she didn’t disappoint! She mounted the balance beam and immediately fell off, flailing her arms and legs in that really embarrassing way that people do when they slip on a big patch of ice. It was amazing! She followed that up on the floor exercise when she did a bunch of crazy flippy twirls (technical term) and landed flat on her back! OUT OF BOUNDS! Spectacular!

Needless to say, I am OBSESSED with this girl. How crafty! Now she is way more famous for belly flopping than she ever would’ve been had she performed her routine perfectly. It’s the gymnastics equivalent of one member of a synchronized diving team cannonballing into the pool. Now this girl has a silver medal (better than the shameful bronze) and she’ll likely be paid millions of dollars to endorse air bags and crash helmets.



Then there’s Michael Phelps. He’s won 6 gold medals in Beijing so far, twelve gold medals in total. I wonder how difficult it is for him to continue to feign interest every time he’s at the podium. After his twelfth gold medal, there is NO way he can still be like, “Wow, a gold medal. I am truly humbled by this honour.” It’s probably like Christmas morning was for me after High School Musical came out. Everyone knew I was obsessed with it, so I just kept opening box after box of High School Musical-themed gifts. Do you know how much freakin’ merchandise they made for that movie? When I opened the first one, I was like, “WOW! Thank you SO much! You really shouldn’t have.” But by the time I opened my 17th Zac Efron keychain I was totally faking it.

Things to do that aren’t the Olympics:

Radiohead



Aug 15 @ Molson Amphitheatre
My sister is selling a ticket (just one) if anyone is interested! Keeping with tradition of Radiohead’s last album, you can choose how much you decide to pay for the ticket! Plus $90 in shipping fees.


Maroon 5 & Counting Crows



Aug 19 @ Molson Amphitheatre

I’m only going if this girl shows up:



Bonnie Raitt

Aug 19 to Aug 20 @ Casino Rama
Looking for the “Raitt” hair colouring advice? Head down to Casino Rama! If you’re a redhead like me, it’s worth the price of admission just to see how Bonnie pulls off that sexy white poof!

Disney Music Block Party



August 15 - 17 @ Downsview Park

Raven Symone hosts the Disney Music Block Party, featuring performances by family-friendly musicians, such as Choo Choo Soul, Ralph's World, and Imagination Movers. That sounds so – what’s the word? Oh yeah! Raven.

Movies:

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2



Is the only movie that matters.

Have an ooh-la-la weekend!

Weekend Word up! (05/15/08)

Congrats Michelle!

Ex Boyfriend Jewelry

You don’t want it. He can’t have it back. So says this website that allows you to buy, sell, and trade those expensive gifts that your ex-boyfriend bestowed upon you during happier times. The jewelry up for grabs includes watches, earrings, bracelets, and necklaces. There’s also a category for “Gifts that should have been jewelry”—which makes me wonder if I can pawn off those leftover “love coupons” my ex gave me. They haven’t expired yet—and with the weight he’s put on I ain’t ever gonna use ‘em!
http://www.exboyfriendjewelry.com/

Y Water

This new children's organic, low cal, functional beverage comes in a 100% recyclable bottle that’s shaped like the letter Y. Designed as an imagination trigger, the flavours of Y Water include Immune, Brain, Bone and Muscle water. I’m crossing my fingers for them to release a flavour called Liver so I can sip happily on those rough Sunday mornings without spilling all over myself.
http://www.ywater.us/#

Leigh Natur-kitchen

Weekend Word Up’s resident foodie has some recommendations to make your long weekend a little sweeter:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000VLYPY/ref=nosim/notcot-20

And here’s something extra to fill your porto-bellies:

http://www.presidentschoice.ca/FoodAndRecipes/GreatFood/ProductDetails.aspx/id/16836/name/PCThickJuicyVegetarianPortobelloSwissBurgers/catid/188

(If I can ever be as skilled at making puns as Leigh is at making cookies, I will die happy.)

Movie Reviews from the Voices inside my Head:

Iron Man

“Oooooh. A superhero movie. That’s original.”

-Ironic Man

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

“Prince Caspian? More like Prince Gasp!-ian. That hunk on the poster is dreaaaamy.”

-13 year old Tiffany Sparkle

Baby Mama

“Tina Fey is the best. I wonder if Tina Fey got her start in comedy by writing puns for her weekly work newsletter? I bet she totally did.”

-Heidi

What Happens in Vegas…

“I tell you what don’t happen in Vegas no more! Moi! I go on world tour!”

-Celine Dion

Political Com-pun-tary

With Barack Obama as the clear front-runner for the Democratic nomination, Hilary Clinton is being pushed out of the media spotlight; she is getting very depressed. Clinton seems to be in a super-delegate mental state and we can only hope she doesn’t go democrazy. She reportedly believes that votes were miscounted and could be seeking retallyation. Personally, I think Ms. Clinton is angry that she’s no longer the senator of attention. I recommend she come to Toronto for a vacation; perhaps she could stay in the dissed-Hillary district?

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

This past week you could have cut the tension in the halls of 23 Fraser with a knife! Arguments have been popping up around every corner about everything from “Who should win American Idol?” to “Which childhood pop band created a more significant social impact?” (S Club 7? Anyone?)

As the rules state in the handbook, let it be known that She Who Writes the Weekend Word Up is the Ultimate Authority on Everything. (What do you mean, you didn’t get a handbook?) I thought I would settle these debates once and for all:






Hope your weekend is a ROAR!