Diane Lane in Unfaithful

Much has been written about Calvin Klein's obsession, so I felt it was time that my own obsessions got their due. For the last 5 Mmmmmmmmonths my eyes have been opened to a plethora of wonderful things that I never knew existed:

Alt-rock band The Sheriff
Made-for-TV movie Shaggy Dog
Season one of Becker

...just to name a few. But none of these things compare to my ultimate obsession of late, the person who introduced me to all of these things and more (including voice brackets). That obesession is Alex "Faith" Brown.




Don't understand why? Do I have to spell it out for you?


A is for Amy Adams Hands



When life knocks you down and twists your body into the fetal position, Alex Brown’s Amy Adams hands are like chicken cutlet soup for the soul. Just one flutter of those wrists can bring shelter to the homeless, warmth to the cold, and Burger King to the romantically jilted.

L is for Leggings



With runway-worthy gams that stretch from here to next Tuesday, Alex Brown is the ideal spokestran for Lindsay Lohan Leggings. Rumer Willis has it that his legs are actually insured for one million dollars (roughly 304, 000, 000, 000 inches of bulge.)

EX is for Exquisite Lucite Heels



Did you know? Lucite and Alex Brown are synonyms, meaning they are different words that share similar meanings. It’s true! The dictionary defines both Lucite and Alex Brown as TRANS (…parent) and TRANS (…lucent).

B is for Bear Cartoons



Cartoon Bears are like Xanadu’s Kira to Alex Brown’s roller disco – meaning, they inspire him. Bears taught Alex Brown how to do everything from cook chicken cacciatore to apply lipstick with a strawberry. Garbage-picking, makeup-wearing bears can bemuse us, but Alex Brown knows that they also can be muses. Pretty heavy stuff. Bump bump.

R is for Runway



The name Alex Brown brings to mind the 1995 smash hit by Soul Asylum.
“Runway Tran never coming back,
Runway on a runway track.”
And boy, can he ever runway. Alex Brown’s signature runway move, the “haute couture/ high five/ dressage” brings Miss J, Tyrabot, and Jay Tranuel to their knees! (Luckily they always wear Lindsay Lohan Leggings to cushion their fall).


O is for Oprah



The Big “O” herself is privy to the amount of faith and inspiration Alex Brown brings with him everywhere he goes. Oprah even went so far as to reward him for his good work by inviting him to appear on her show:



W is for Wolf Pack



N is for Never Nude



Arrested Development’s Tobias is the most famous of the Never Nudes, but compared to the positively bashful Alex Brown, Tobias is downright risqué (risky?)
Self-consciousness over his chicken cutlets, earlobes, left eye, neck, and ankles causes him to cover his entire body with jortcessories! Sadly, dozens more are afflicted by this disease, including famed comedian Michael Lawrence.