How to be an Eaton Centre Asshole



It’s that time of year again! The busiest shopping weekend of the year is in our midst, and no one is more excited about it than I am! Every year around this time, I like to peruse my favourite mall in this fantastic city to bask in the fact that my holiday shopping is complete—and to make others suffer for their tardiness. If you are one of the few who has time to kill this weekend, come join me and my fellow assholes at the Eaton Centre! Here’s everything you’ll need to know:

How to be an Eaton Centre Asshole:

1. Walk (slowly!) to the nearest escalator. Upon mounting the escalator, ensure your body is shifted to the traffic-heavy left side of the escalator as opposed to the designated “standing” area on the right. Wait.

*Helpful asshole hint: If anyone tries to get you to move by kicking the backs of your heels, take a step backwards and lean all of your body weight into them!

2. Remove “You Are Here” sticker from the Eaton Centre map. Replace the sticker where the middle of the food court is on the map. You asshole.

3. Rip the security tags off bottles of shampoo at Shoppers Drug Mart and stick them to people’s clothes. Those things set off alarms everywhere! Mind if we check your bag, ma’am?

4. Wait patiently in line at Chapters/Indigo. Once summoned to the front, pay for your copy of “The Time Traveller’s Wife” in pennies. Do you have a frequent reader card? You might! Make sure you check your purse thoroughly.

5. An aspiring dancer? This is the perfect opportunity to practice your grapevine! Neglect any regular human walking patters you may have picked up in your lifetime and grapevine your way across the mall in a zigzag pattern! You’ll be the toast of the Eaton Centre!

6. Time for snow angels! Gather up all of your closest friends for a winter’s romp … good parking spaces are the perfect spot for snow angel fun!

7. Look up. Choose the heaviest looking item on the tallest shelf in the store. Ask a salesperson if he/she would mind getting it for you. Watch carefully as they set up the ladder, climb up, and struggle to make their way down with it. Glance at it, then hand it back to them. Make sure you let them know that you’re just looking!